As the Volcano Goes Dormant, I Think of Whales Returning to the Land

What's in a name?

They're the first thing a reader encounters when meeting a person, meeting a poem, browsing the list of panels at a conference, so in that regard, they're important. Yet there are so many different permutations of Title out there that the creation of a universal rule for a good title seems a task that would fit best in a satirical poem, if anywhere.

I can think of 5 distinct types of titles, and they all do something different than the other, though of course, there is still that universal overlap, the act of naming.
Titles for academic papers / presentations / panels
Titles of works of art: poems, pictures, books, songs
Titles of positions / people
Titles of bands
Euphemisms

Let's get the easy one's out of the way first.



Titles of Positions / People

• You are a THIS. That means you do things a THIS would do. Teachers teach. Construction workers work to construct things. Poets po. Wait. Janitors janit. Huh? Philosophers philosophize. That's better. Writers write. Indeed. You are described, with an adherence to the literal. Horsemen man horses.

Titles of Academic Papers / Presentations / Panels

• You want to sound a little smarter than a little smart. Use rare punctuation. In fact, use that colon or semicolon or em dash to link 2 separate titles, one general, one vague. They both hint at the point of the paper and make it sound more exciting than it really is, unless it is in fact, totally absurd. Or totally awesome! Who wouldn't want to attend "Workshop on Gravitational Wave Bursts?" I don't make enough of those as is. How about "VIII International Workshop on the Dark Side of the Universe" THEY'VE HAD 8 OF THESE!? 

Euphemisms

• You want to sound more important than your job really is, or you want to hide something. Do Office Maintenance Engineers truly engineer office maintenance? Does a superintendent truly intend to be super? Can a Chief Executive Officer truly seek to execute the office chief? You are a boss. You are a boss. You janit.

Now, the tricky ones.

Titles of Bands, as related by a Fortune Teller

• Blank (singular, noun): You are an autonomous collective. Everyone is equally awesome, but you want to avoid sounding arrogant, so you will hide a little behind something indecipherable and referent-less, like Portishead.

• Blanking Blank (verb): You are giving too much away. What does a westward stab sound like? I guess this.

• Blank (adjective) Blank (noun), absurd: Smush Town. Abandon Brigade. Grown Pipe. Ratchet Jacket. Hair Helmet. Your revolution will be nonsensical, yet pleasantly grammatical. I'm looking at you, Steel Panther.

• Blank (adjective) Blank (noun), believable: You are either making a statement, like Black Sabbath, or you really like something, lik eit enough to name yourself after it, like Red Snapper and White Zombie. Or you just found your spirit animal, like Arctic Monkeys.

• The Blanks: You are mysterious. You are creative. You are a talented yet sensitive rebel. You are a poor speller.

• The Blank Blanks: You want to communicate something, but not anything in particular. Usually a veiled drug reference. The White Stripes. Hmmmm...Jail? The sun coming through miniblinds? What's on my skin after I scratch my arm down its fuzzy length? The boring but hygenic part of toothpaste? I am intrigued, kinda.

• Random Word plus Random Numbers: You just got the internet. Your mom is paying for it. You just bought a delay pedal. You are out of dope and musical ideas. Uh oh. Better call the drummer.

• Names of the Hottest Person in the Band: Oh you devil you. You will wear tight pants, sunglasses, an obscure hat, and sound pretty mundane without the rest of the band, if they are real and not gleep glop bits on a circuit board, or dials on a Moog. Most of your songs will be about love, wanting it, making it, not getting enough of it.

• Name of the Singer and the Other Guys: Arrogant. Why are you more important? Okay, The Jimi Hendrix Experience, you earned it. Herman's Hermits, not so sure. Florence, why call your friends a single Machine? What makes Sharon Jones better than the rest of the Dap Kings? Frank Zappa than the Mothers of Invention?

• Name of the Leader, ONLY: That's the way to go. Screw the band. You are it. You are all of it. You are the only reason anybody is listening to this.

• Everybody's Name: Nobody is sexy, nobody is that great, nobody's name sounds like magic. You cannot decide who is amazing, so you will agree to help each other out. Somehow, all of your side projects will sound like something's missing.

So many ways to try to say LISTEN TO ME!

~Continued in next post~

-J